I went to Target and tried on a Bikini..

I went to Target today and decided to try on a couple bathing suits. I picked up  a 1 piece, a bikini, and a high waist bikini.

 

This was all brand new to me, typically I would try to find the bathing suit that had a lot of stretttchhhh, that I knew would be safe, that I knew would cover up a lot, or would pinch very little.

 

As I approached the dressing room I remembered that Target had that dreaded corner mirror when you can see EVERYTHING from behind.

I hoped that this time in the dressing room wouldn't end up with me quitting half way through trying on bathing suits, like it did last time.

 

As I walk into the dressing room I see myself in the mirror in my black active wear pants, and work out tank top and I think.. Oh hey, looking pretty good today.

 

I grab my first piece to try on a dark green 2 piece bikini. I fidget to get everything adjusted and try not to peek.

 

I want to get everything all on before I tear myself apart.

 

I get it all ready and take a deep breathe and look at myself in the mirror.

I can't believe it.

 

I look awesome, not awesome like oh my fucking god rock star abs type of awesome (but I will have those) but I look I'm on my way-kinda-awesome.

 

I even look at the corner mirror and see cellulite on my thighs, but I'm not even bothered by it. I know it's apart of being a thicker girl on the bottom, and I just love how my backside looks, cellulite and all. I can see my shape and curves,  just like oh, hey booty! and my love handles have trimmed down.

 

I can't remember the last time I went into a dressing room, tried on bikinis and left there feeling good. Feeling like I was excited to run a 5k tomorrow, feeling like I was excited to have my protein shake, feeling excited to see how far I could push my body, and wait for it: PROUD of my body.

 

Proud + my body were never ever in the same sentence for me, like EVER, not even in my teenage years.

 

It was like a moment of total acceptance of my body and a celebration of all the hard work I've been doing for the past 2 months.

 

Did I buy the bikini? They didn’t have the one I liked in my size. (A smaller size may I add ;) )

 

What’s so different about this time than the other times? There’s been times in my life when I lost weight but gained it back. There’s been times when exercising, eating right feel like such a push that doing it every day depleted fun + joy out of my life.

 

There’s been times in my life when I felt so much shame around eating I would throw it back up.

 

There’s been times in my life when I ate to cope with stress, when I ran to cope with stress, or when I was just maintaining so, so exercise + so so nutrition.

 

What  changed this time more than anything was less about HOW I did it and more about what I did before the HOW.

 

Most of  us all ask when someone is in great shape: HOW did you do you do it?

 

And of course you hear the same thing, exercise + eat right.

 

I remember asking people and thinking “oh please say there’s some magic diet pill or magic thing if I just do it for 15 days I’ll get the body I want.”

 

There never was and you guessed it, there never is.

 

This time, unlike all the other times, I mentally prepared for this.

I had to change my thoughts, habits, and beliefs about myself, about exercise, about eating.

 

Before I even started going hard in my workouts and before I started cutting back on carbs:

 

  • I had to mentally condition myself that there was no destination

  • that it wasn’t going to be easy

  • that it’s not harder for me

  • That this isn’t hit your goal weight and peace out

  • That girls who are in great shape probably do work for it

  • That I can hit a 10:00 mile

  • That I can push myself a little harder in work outs

  • That I can’t continue to live with an alright body

  • That I believed I could do it

  • That I can practice will power

 

Day in and day out I would repeat this to myself. I would be repeat it to myself exercising. I would find myself in the middle of push ups saying “Come on Shanon, 1 more you got this, you can do this” < that right there was a success to me > Before I started re-programming my brain if I was tired of doing push ups, I would typically  say “Alright this is hard,you can take a break”

 

I can’t shout it out louder, that the only thing that really changed for me was not HOW I lost the weight, it was changing my thoughts, my habits, and my beliefs around what I could do.

 

^ This is why I felt good trying on those bikini’s, this is why I didn’t tear myself apart, this is why I can say I’m proud of my body.


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