I went to Target and tried on a Bikini..
I went to Target today and decided to try on a couple bathing suits. I picked up a 1 piece, a bikini, and a high waist bikini.
This was all brand new to me, typically I would try to find the bathing suit that had a lot of stretttchhhh, that I knew would be safe, that I knew would cover up a lot, or would pinch very little.
As I approached the dressing room I remembered that Target had that dreaded corner mirror when you can see EVERYTHING from behind.
I hoped that this time in the dressing room wouldn't end up with me quitting half way through trying on bathing suits, like it did last time.
As I walk into the dressing room I see myself in the mirror in my black active wear pants, and work out tank top and I think.. Oh hey, looking pretty good today.
I grab my first piece to try on a dark green 2 piece bikini. I fidget to get everything adjusted and try not to peek.
I want to get everything all on before I tear myself apart.
I get it all ready and take a deep breathe and look at myself in the mirror.
I can't believe it.
I look awesome, not awesome like oh my fucking god rock star abs type of awesome (but I will have those) but I look I'm on my way-kinda-awesome.
I even look at the corner mirror and see cellulite on my thighs, but I'm not even bothered by it. I know it's apart of being a thicker girl on the bottom, and I just love how my backside looks, cellulite and all. I can see my shape and curves, just like oh, hey booty! and my love handles have trimmed down.
I can't remember the last time I went into a dressing room, tried on bikinis and left there feeling good. Feeling like I was excited to run a 5k tomorrow, feeling like I was excited to have my protein shake, feeling excited to see how far I could push my body, and wait for it: PROUD of my body.
Proud + my body were never ever in the same sentence for me, like EVER, not even in my teenage years.
It was like a moment of total acceptance of my body and a celebration of all the hard work I've been doing for the past 2 months.
Did I buy the bikini? They didn’t have the one I liked in my size. (A smaller size may I add ;) )
What’s so different about this time than the other times? There’s been times in my life when I lost weight but gained it back. There’s been times when exercising, eating right feel like such a push that doing it every day depleted fun + joy out of my life.
There’s been times in my life when I felt so much shame around eating I would throw it back up.
There’s been times in my life when I ate to cope with stress, when I ran to cope with stress, or when I was just maintaining so, so exercise + so so nutrition.
What changed this time more than anything was less about HOW I did it and more about what I did before the HOW.
Most of us all ask when someone is in great shape: HOW did you do you do it?
And of course you hear the same thing, exercise + eat right.
I remember asking people and thinking “oh please say there’s some magic diet pill or magic thing if I just do it for 15 days I’ll get the body I want.”
There never was and you guessed it, there never is.
This time, unlike all the other times, I mentally prepared for this.
I had to change my thoughts, habits, and beliefs about myself, about exercise, about eating.
Before I even started going hard in my workouts and before I started cutting back on carbs:
I had to mentally condition myself that there was no destination
that it wasn’t going to be easy
that it’s not harder for me
That this isn’t hit your goal weight and peace out
That girls who are in great shape probably do work for it
That I can hit a 10:00 mile
That I can push myself a little harder in work outs
That I can’t continue to live with an alright body
That I believed I could do it
That I can practice will power
Day in and day out I would repeat this to myself. I would be repeat it to myself exercising. I would find myself in the middle of push ups saying “Come on Shanon, 1 more you got this, you can do this” < that right there was a success to me > Before I started re-programming my brain if I was tired of doing push ups, I would typically say “Alright this is hard,you can take a break”
I can’t shout it out louder, that the only thing that really changed for me was not HOW I lost the weight, it was changing my thoughts, my habits, and my beliefs around what I could do.
^ This is why I felt good trying on those bikini’s, this is why I didn’t tear myself apart, this is why I can say I’m proud of my body.
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